Tantrums Are Exhausting You Too: A Wellbeing Check-In

In one minute

• Tantrums peak between 18 and 36 months and are a normal, if exhausting, part of your toddler learning to handle big feelings with a brain that's still under construction — most toddlers have them fewer than 3 times a week.
• Your own wellbeing matters on its own terms — and separately, maternal depression and anxiety during this window are also linked to how your toddler manages emotions and behavior by age two.
• Staying regulated yourself — even when you're faking calm in the moment — is one of the most evidence-backed things that helps your toddler learn to self-soothe over time.
• Persistent sadness, loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, or worry that won't quiet down for more than two weeks are worth saying out loud to a doctor, not just pushing through. Any thoughts of harming yourself or your child need help right away, not a wait-and-see.

Why this stage is genuinely harder on you

It's not your imagination: this is a demanding stretch. Your toddler wants independence their language and self-control can't yet deliver on, which means friction, most days, often in public, often at the worst possible moment. Your own wellbeing matters here in its own right — you deserve support regardless of anyone else's outcomes. It also happens to be true that research following mothers and toddlers found a mother's depression and anxiety in the early months was associated with more emotional negativity and behavior problems in her child by age two, independent of everything else going on in the family. That's an average across many families, not a prediction about your child, and it's not a guilt trip — it's one more reason, among many, that your own care matters. (Partners, fathers, and other non-birthing parents experience their own version of postpartum depression and anxiety too, at lower but still real rates — this isn't only a "mothers" issue.)

What actually helps — for both of you

Staying calm yourself when your toddler is not is one of the better-evidenced tools going: toddlers borrow their regulation from the adult in the room, so your steadiness (even performed, even imperfect) teaches theirs. Beyond that moment, protecting your own sleep and getting some physical activity — even a short walk — are both linked to better emotional regulation, for toddlers and, by extension, for the adults managing them. And it's worth normalizing: a meaningful share of mothers still experience clinically significant depression symptoms well into the second and third year postpartum, and it's estimated that about half of all cases go undiagnosed. You are not supposed to just be fine by now.

Talk to your doctor if: sadness or hopelessness lasting more than two weeks, loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, or trouble sleeping or eating beyond what a toddler's schedule explains.

Get immediate help if: you have any thoughts of harming yourself or your child, or you feel you can't keep yourself or your child safe. Call or text 988 (US Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), call the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-852-6262 (24/7, free, English and Spanish), or contact your local emergency number or crisis line if you're outside the US. This is urgent — don't wait for an appointment.

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Go deeper: Tantrums & emotional regulation

Sources

1. American Academy of Pediatrics (ongoing). Screening new parents for depression. https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/aap-voices/screening-new-parents-for-depression/
2. Research on maternal postnatal depression/anxiety and child outcomes at 2 years, PMID 27196149 (2016). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5191902/
3. Postpartum Support International: 1-800-944-4773. https://www.postpartum.net/
4. National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: 1-833-852-6262. https://www.maternalmentalhealthhotline.org/